In DID therapy, we want parts to change. We want them to be more oriented, to gain new knowledge about the world today and we want them to learn how to live and act in this new world. Old behaviors that belong to TraumaTime are not useful anymore and get in the way of our collective goals. There are a lot of big and small changes that will help parts heal and feel safer and happier.
Sometimes these changes come easy and naturally. Other times we notice that there is a resistance within the system. The change in one part has an influence on other parts. We are not separate beings and when something in one corner of the system changes, there is a ripple effect that many parts will feel. Change concerns the whole system. It is not a personal issue one part can carry alone.
Jobs and meaning
The way a certain part developed and who they have become was meaningful for the old system. Maybe they took on a certain difficult emotion or they specialized in a tricky task. A part who used to bear all the grief can start to release some of that and become more aware of the nice things in life. But then where does the grief go now? Similarly, a part might have taken on the role of an appeasing co-regulator for a violent parent to manage contact with them. When they stop appeasing, what will happen in the relationship with that parent? What parts were doing and how they were doing it solved a problem. When they stop solving this problem through dissociation, we need new strategies.
Patterns, new and old
Chances are, we never developed more advanced patterns of managing our inner and outer life because we had parts who took over some elements that were tricky and so we never noticed that there is an old pattern that does not fit our adult system anymore. These old patterns become visible when parts work through trauma, try to let go of old behavior and old roles and then we suddenly feel tension or conflict within the system. If the old pattern doesn’t work anymore, we have 2 options: We either create a new strategy on how to manage ourselves or we try to force the part back into old responsibilities. There is an (often unconscious) tendency to pick the second and that way we might be limiting the part in their healing and our whole system in its development. We need to give each other permission to change.
To create new patterns, we need to come together to find out what would be appropriate today. Which part could and should take on the responsibility in that area? How can things be shared across more parts? And how involved should the formerly responsible part be?
Balance
A part who is very specialized in something useful does not always have to stop doing it. Say, they are good at getting the system out of bed in the morning. The most important thing they have to learn is that there is no threat today. Consequences of not doing this or not doing it fast enough are small compared to what they are afraid of. If they can embrace playfulness and lightness in this job, there is no reason why they shouldn’t continue.
In cases where a part feels overwhelmed or feels any pressure to function and keep things going, others have to step in and take on more responsibility. If there are any trauma-related feelings left in the hurting part after presentification, they will benefit from stepping back and allowing others to help. Young parts are not left alone with tasks that scare them. If they are too nervous and don’t trust adults, they can always check if the grown-ups are doing it right and learn to trust them over time.
There is a fine balance between taking a heavy burden from a part and taking away something where they feel competent, smart and capable. We don’t want to take away important resources. The specific agreements need to be negotiated individually.
New boundaries
We often still need access to survival functions that a certain part carries. If we have someone who can keep going longer than anyone else, we might actually need that a couple of times a year when life happens and we need to keep going. We don’t need that ability every day. Parts should know that their ability might be needed at times but not all the time because TraumaTime is over. Our new life needs to change to the point where this is true and we don’t face emergencies all the time. The survival ability becomes one that they have tucked away for bad days and they can engage with other things or simply take a break while it is not needed. When there are signs that things get a little more difficult, it is still the job of parts who can cope with lower level stressors to manage them first. Survival skills should only get activated when it is about survival. So we might have to set boundaries with parts who step in too early and learn how to cooperate more effectively. This new way of functioning really does demand that the others step up their game and don’t leave the part alone with the smaller challenge. It can feel unfamiliar and stressful to take on tasks that were always managed differently and without effort on our side. Then we still need to fill that gap and change our actions as needed.
It is always worth the effort to take a burden from a part who has been suffering. They have carried enough for too long. They deserve a change. It is wise to anticipate that their change will demand change in other places in the system as well. We are in this together. There is no situation where only one part is in therapy or only one part is healing alone. That is what it means to be a system.
Becoming someone new
Sometimes parts change, their hurt is released and their coping behavior changes as a result of that, and we might notice that they don’t do things anymore that had become an essential part of how we see ourselves as a system. When the artsy part stops drawing all the time because drawing was their strategy for self-soothing and it isn’t needed anymore, can the system still call themselves an artist? The changes that come with trauma processing can go deep and change the foundations of who we think we are. Sometimes people change jobs or partners because the ripple effect of change does not stay inside, it reaches the life around us. We might ask ourselves if we really were that artist at all if it was the trauma that drove us to draw in the first place. Drawing or whatever it is can be picked up more intentionally afterwards and it will feel different. And sometimes we leave things behind because they have lost their meaning. Not all changes in parts will result in such a big change but sometimes it might have a bigger effect and we have to re-negotiate our life choices. It is why we take so much time between intervals of trauma processing. Change needs to get integrated. It can sometimes be a long and difficult task to find ourselves underneath the trauma responses and get to know ourselves without them.
Trauma recovery looks like something. It brings change. It is impossible to tell what kind of change it will bring for you. After a phase of adaptation where things can feel challenging and there might be grief, there is usually a greater sense of freedom, peace and coherence. And coherence comes with a surprisingly big sense of relief.