There is a small exercise that I have been doing for many years now. It offers a true and free choice within a safe setting. These choices are different from double binds that we might have experienced as we grew up. They are choices between positive or neutral things and whatever a part chooses they get and it will be positive or at least helpful. When we started teaching ourselves about free choices it was helpful to offer 2 options to avoid them getting lost in possibilities. Do you want chocolate or vanilla? The green shirt or the blue shirt? It introduces the idea that it matters if we want something and that we can often get what we want if we express our will, at least the small things that are within our reach.
This exercise of will can already feel very triggering. To be honest, it might not work if there is inner punishment for trying new and safe things today. Parts can be so used to double binds they won’t even try. It doesn’t make choices a bad idea. They might just have to be introduced in a more gentle and subtle way or discovered in real life experiences and not with an exercise. It is better to do that in therapy than alone.
Statistics and trust
One element of trust is predictability, which basically works like statistics. Is it statistically likely that there will be a positive result if I pick the thing I like better? Is there a reliable positive response? To find out, we have to take small risks and notice the outcome. Over time, the combination of these predictable, reliable and continued exchanges will build trust in the person who is providing them and that means it builds trust with our other parts. That is an opportunity of healing that happens in the foundations of our system. In some of the inner relationships our will matters and our choices matter. It can take a very long time but an inner value system that respects parts this way and slowly opens up the possible choices according to personal abilities puts us on the path of gaining at least one person in the world we can trust: ourselves.
Spilling into the outside life
The moments of choices that we offer are usually connected to the outside world in some way. We as a system don’t live in the inner world alone. We have an outside life that can be interesting and new. Once parts realize that they can express their will and someone will listen, they might start to express it more often when they are not asked to choose something. They might just tell us what they want. These are precious moments and our response matters.
We always have to compare the wish with the situation we are in to consider consequences. Sometimes we can go along with it. Sometimes we have to explain the situation and the consequences of the wish and ask parts if they still want that if that is the price. Honestly and transparently. We are not the ones who keep them from getting their will. We just give them more information to make a better informed choice. We can also introduce other options that might be even better if they haven’t thought of them.
Respect
Whenever there is an expression of will, we should be very aware and focused on respect before anything else. What just happened might be the most precious thing we have. A will that wants something is the expression of life inside of us. The core of a living person that cannot fully be destroyed. Even abusers who spend a lot of time elaborately suppressing our will don’t ever fully manage. The spark of life inside of us that keeps us alive is expressed through ‘willing’ something. We might have learned a level of control over the things we naturally want but that control wouldn’t be necessary at all if there wasn’t the free will that keeps on willing no matter what. These are 2 separate things: Our own control over our longing and striving and the longing and striving itself. When the latter shows up, we treat it like the most precious thing we have. We don’t have to let go of our control then and there. But we notice that these are different things and the spark of our will has not gone out.
The will of controlling parts
At first, the parts who might be the loudest when it comes to expressing a will are the parts that try to control us, through insults, threats and mean words. There is a will that hides behind these more obvious expressions. It takes a deeper understanding of the life energy underneath their words and behaviors that is a lot more basic, human and relatable. They want to stop the hurt, avoid it completely if possible. They might want attachment and this seems to be the only way to be good enough for the only attachment figures they know. They might fight their own sense of powerlessness and yes, there is a will for control in that, but it is a lot more vague than the control that we learned through trauma. When one of these parts expresses a demand, it is wise to look at the deeper levels to find the foundations of their will. These foundations are things we can work with. The struggle about power and obedience is on a superficial level that will not satisfy them. Finding the will that drives them to act will reveal the trauma-related needs and a way to meet them without engaging in power struggles.
The will of trauma-identified parts
We can expect that trauma-holders might first express a longing for things that cover basic needs. It is a good opportunity to step up our self-care. Over time we might notice that they aren’t that different from controlling parts. They just express their will for attachment and their need not to be so powerless in a very different way. With these parts, we need to make sure that they are grounded and present when their longing is met. Stuck in an endless flashback experience of unfulfilled needs, they might not notice new events and new care. Parts who keep swirling in an endless loop of re-experiencing might never have the idea to express a need in response to outside events and we can approach them ourselves and help them notice when something happens that they long for.
The will of ANPs
There can be something very dissociative about ANPs that does not feel needs and doesn’t think a lot about life. We go through the steps and try to fit in and not draw attention but we might not reflect about our own longing and striving regularly, if ever. What do we want? That question can leave us feeling empty and confused. An isolated life will make it even harder because it limits our encounters with people and situations where we might notice resistance, anger or passion about something. When we make plans, they are often very cognitive and out of touch with an inner experience of longing or striving. It can feel so confusing to become aware of this seemingly empty spot at first. We shouldn’t start with questions like ‘What do I want to do with my life?’ even though that is often the place where this disconnection to our will system becomes most obvious. Maybe we start with the same small choice that we offer other parts. Chocolate or vanilla? And then we don’t pick what we always pick or what we think would be best. We try to feel the life inside of us and connect with ourselves for a moment to gain certainty. This is what I want today. It might be different tomorrow. It connects us with a sense of realness that we might not often feel. It is an expression of Personification. If we take a quiet moment to listen to our own will we can find ourselves having opinions and moods instead of being just our neutral self.
Following the impulse
Not all impulses are expressions of this deeper level of longing and striving where we are actually connected to the spark of life inside. But impulses are a fabulous way to connect with this spark. That is why abusers tried to suppress impulsive actions and that is why therapies that try to teach us how to control our impulses are like pouring water into the ocean. ‘Behavior problems’ are not the big problem we need to solve. F*** the judgement of our behavior for a moment. This is more important. When we sit down and connect with our inner spark, what is the impulse or wish that comes up? Movement? Warmer clothes? When we go for the deeper level of true impulses and not just learned behaviors, what do we want right here right now? Do that. (as long as it’s not life threatening.) Sometimes allowing ourselves bad coping because we feel the longing for regulation can end up being a step forward, even if therapists won’t like it when they are too focused on minor issues. We can learn easier ways to get what we strive for over time but without any sense of what the spark in us really wants we will not feel alive or free.
We, the world, and we in the world
Following the expressions of this life and its will in us creates a different awareness for the world and ourselves in the world. We can feel things, want things and we can get things and it matters. Deeply. We have an impact, our choices matter and what we want can become real. The things we might dare to want will get bigger over time and that is how we broaden the circle of trust that we have. We started with ourselves but we might notice that other people are reliable in the way they respond to our expressions of will. Sometimes social systems can prove to be reliable because there are laws and it is not all up for one person to decide. We have rights. Rights protect our will and our freedom against those who want something else. The world can expand around us as we notice how our will impacts our surroundings. It does matter. Our choice and our expression of will does make a difference today. Not everyone and everything is trustworthy but some are.
Power
In this new world today, we will sometimes be in situations where we want something and there will be resistance. Others want something else. Our trauma experience tells us to step back and let others get their will. We might feel the old pattern of submission stirring. In situations where there are no rules and it really is up to people, we have a voice and we have a vote. We have a certain level of influence. It might at times be enough to carry our will through a social process of decision-making within the relationship or group. Among friends, we might persuade others to try the restaurant we like instead of going to their favorite place. In advocacy, we might carry an appeal through a societal process. We learn to make a mark with the things that are important to us, even if they are not as important to others. And that is what it feels like to be powerful. Not in the twisted way abusers felt it when they enforced their will on others. We experience a true impact on others that does not diminish their own free will and choice but wins others over for our cause.
Parts who are only familiar with abuser strategies will be surprised that there is a way to sometimes get what we want even without tricks and pressure. There is life in this new way of expressing what we want. It inspires instead of reducing someone else. Even when others want something else, there is respect for the free will in them. It does not have to be removed to make it work. We won’t always get our will, that would be a sign of trouble in our social relationships, but it does feel good to sense that we generally have a power to move things. And we don’t need violence for that.
It would be foolish to say that this is an easy or quick path. Therapy is often so wrapped up in making people function or eliminating unwanted behavior that the topic of our will is not central to all that. Behavior-focused therapies can be lifeless at times. When functioning is valued more than being human we are in trouble. Our whole society might be. Reconnecting with our will will reconnect us to our sense of being alive and human. The discovery of our free will is a discovery of who we are, our identity outside of abuse. Because ‘they’ cannot control us forever and we will move on and live according to our own will.
[In this article I use the words will, longing, striving, need and life almost interchangeably. This is a specific lens that is rooted in the idea of action systems reflecting the drive of life inside of us that is then expressed in wanting to do these actions. I find it valuable to think of life as something inside of us that wants something. It offers a new direction for therapy that fosters trust in ourselves and others and that, I believe, can overcome the problem that many people with chronic trauma have with behavior-focused therapies (control of life force/will instead of integration and resolution). This lens is borrowed from Enactive Trauma Therapy (Nijenhuis). These are my own thoughts through this lens.]