While typical cognitive errors might play a role in DID treatment, there are other mistakes in our reasoning, and problematic beliefs that are at the core of our trouble. In this small series we are exploring specific beliefs in parts and how to work with them.
Falling apart
This belief is most often found in hosts or ANPs. We feel like our life will fall apart if we give any room to other parts. We might feel them in the background and they feel overwhelmed and overwhelming. Our conclusion is that they cannot front and maybe we are convinced that giving them any attention will increase their power. Giving them a little space means that they will take it all and then everything will fall apart. They will ruin our life. Our normal life will fall apart, they will destroy our relationships, lose us our job and ruin our reputation. That belief is felt on a physical level when parts flood us with their overwhelm and it really feels like utter chaos would break lose if we allowed them any space at all. It feels like it is our job to hold them back to protect order and functioning.
Goals
When we feel all that and the silent panic that is connected to it, it is time to take a step back. What is it that these parts really want? I have my doubts that they want to destroy our life. I actually also don’t think that they want to end up in our adult life with our adult responsibilities to manage. That would be a big task for troubled parts. When we are grounded and logical we will realize that it is not their goal to mess things up for us. Mainly, they want to be noticed and heard. They probably don’t want to be left alone in the dark. That isn’t a threat to our life. When we ask ourselves what these parts need, it is probably something like grounding, co-regulation or presentification. They might need care. There is no reason for them to hijack our life to reach these goals. The path to meeting their needs does not end in falling apart.
When parts are ignored
Let’s consider the things that happen when parts are constantly being ignored and pushed away. First of all, they will feel the increased pressure of unmet needs. These needs are our needs that are held by them and ignoring that might lead to instability in our life because we fail to meet our need. What happens next is that the pressure of the need will push parts to the front. If we ignore all contact with them and avoid them like the plague that will result in amnesia. They are pushed to the front but we don’t stay with them because we avoid them so thoroughly and that means they end up fronting alone. That is literally the nightmare we were so scared of. Our solution is what is causing this problem in the first place. If we stayed with them in co-consciousness we could at least influence them in their behavior. If we took care of needs differently they might not even get pushed out.
Uncomfortable truth
Working with inner parts is challenging and can bring us to our limit. We can also reduce the impact of inner pressure and amnesia if we take the time and pay attention regularly. The reality is that quite a few people with DID experience crisis early on in their recovery. Usually that happens because of their own struggle with denial and acceptance. It doesn’t have to be because fragile parts mess up our life. Denial is a real struggle and things get better for everyone when we overcome it. I believe that it is fair to admit that our big struggle is with accepting that we as a person are divided into several parts. That is the main crisis that can feel like our identity is falling apart. Our fear of other parts and what they might do may be a bit of a projection of our feeling of losing trust in who we are. We literally already fell apart. Nothing to save there. Just things to reconnect.
High-functioning systems might notice that they switch to more functioning parts before they ever switch to fragile parts. Experience tells us that our fear of falling apart is not happening in real life situations.
There will still be times when it feels uncomfortable or scary when other parts get to the front. Because we share abilities and needs it is rarely a good strategy to only have one part who always stays front. But we can learn to feel more safe with it when we witness that nothing terribly bad happens and we have some influence over when and how it happens. Learning how to stay co-conscious to be able to see it is a valuable goal. The trick is to stay when others come instead of leaving.
Good news
So what does that tell us about the solution? It is easier than we may have thought. We don’t have to struggle to keep parts from ruining our life by fronting and doing wild stuff. Generally speaking, fragile parts don’t have the goal of making our life harder. They need attention and a way to reduce pressure. Even small interventions on our side can serve that purpose. Intentional self-care with an invitation for parts to notice is a possible first step. We might speak to them out loud while we do something nice or pretty and invite them to notice. I usually recommend 3 minutes of Signposting in the morning. It doesn’t have to start with big team meetings. Small gestures reduce pressure when they are noticed. Positive sensory stimulation is more easily noticed. We can pace things when we approach them instead of avoiding them. It doesn’t need much.