Every CBT-heavy book on DID will list cognitive errors (e.g. black&white thinking, generalizations, catastrophic thinking etc) when it comes to problematic thoughts and beliefs in DID. I don’t think that these cognitive errors are much more common in DID than they are in other mental health issues. But there are specific beliefs that are indeed more extreme and central in DID and I will address some of them, hopefully in a small series.
Believing in punishment
All the people with DID I have ever known have a part or parts who believe that other parts have to be insulted, threatened or punished to make them work properly. This is how the world works in their minds. People don’t do things unless someone uses force to make them do it. And they won’t do it well enough unless there is even more pressure to force them. Without these very important interventions, life would fall apart because everyone would be busy with feelings and needs and not with getting the job done. Favored tools to keep the system running are:
- insults
- shaming
- blaming
- punishment
- accusations
- threats
- verbal/emotional abuse
and/or
- repeating old messages from the past where these tools were used against the person by others to keep them in line
Why this belief makes sense
First of all, we are probably imitating something that happened to us in the past when adults wanted the kid to function in a certain way and not decompensate. We wouldn’t naturally do the things they wanted us to do so they used force. Our feelings or needs were not a matter of interest and were regarded as less important than doing their will. This is a pattern we internalized. No needs and feelings, but a high focus on functioning according to external rules. That is how the world worked during TraumaTime. To avoid even greater harm we learned that we needed to function according to their plans for us in that situation and put away the neediness. It got us through the situation somehow, so it felt like a solution to some part/s of us who didn’t realize that this separation from our inner experience made structural dissociation necessary.
Today, using this strategy feels safe and powerful. These parts feel like they are staying in control when they force us to function according to their rules. Most truly believe that it is necessary to do things properly or even perfectly and pressuring everyone else to do so is how things work. This is how the world keeps spinning and how they protect things from getting out of hand. Hidden underneath that is a fear of losing control or showing weakness because that would feel like the world is coming apart. Controlling parts like these do believe that it needs harsh control over others to protect themselves and it is natural to use threats and insults to make things work. While the protective nature of these behaviors can be detected, the belief itself is full of misconceptions about life today. When we ask ourselves ‘What is this part trying to achieve?’ and ‘How are they trying to achieve it?’ we find a good goal and a flawed execution.
The problem with the belief
Life has changed. The moments where we have to push aside all our feelings and needs and just function without regard for the consequences should be rare now and limited to emergencies. In this new life, feeling ourselves and taking up space with our needs and our personality are good things. Unless we are still in a dependent and unsafe situation, we are not limited to having to be who and how someone else wants us to be.
There is no need to do things the way we used to. Nobody comes to check. Usually, people neither care nor do they notice when we do things that were punished during TraumaTime. Most often they expect us to be free and use our freedom the way we like it, not to follow antiquated rules. Old rules, just like old tools, have become anachronistic now. Nobody is coming to get us. The world spins without us forcing it to.
Life would be easier if we didn’t add a burden by holding on to patterns of shaming and punishing ourselves. Life is tricky enough and doesn’t need the added challenge of doing things while also being insulted. Because here is the truth: we do normal things without force. Simply because we want to. It doesn’t need force to get us moving at all. And it doesn’t need threats to make us do well. All these extra steps that are meant to keep us in line are not necessary because we do have our own motivation to do things for ourselves. The burden of punishment doesn’t make things run more smoothly, it makes it harder to achieve things. It makes it harder to function. The very same goal that we are trying to achieve through force is threatened by this use of this force today. In this new world we function better when we are allowed to be whole, including our emotions and needs, and when there is no ‘external’ force coming from the inside to pressure us. Stress is not helping functioning and constant insults cause stress. Things are working well enough without it and more force reduces our success. We might not manage things with pressure that we could have done without it. It does not create better results. More often, we achieve a goal despite the inner pressure, not because of it.
And maybe the weirdest and hardest thing of all: this strategy does not lead to more safety anymore. Other interventions are a lot more effective, like regular self-care, clear boundaries, assertiveness, or simply creating a safe home. When we experience safety regularly, we are better able to notice when something changes and unsafe things start to happen. When everything is always treated the same and even our chores at home are treated like a matter of survival because of our use of punishment, how will we ever know that this is a safe place and we can relax? It is often outside the controlling part’s capacity to imagine how true safety and a felt sense of safety can be achieved. Feeling a sense of hunger and eating when it is felt is doing more to keep us functioning than any insult would. We just don’t realize that if we still believe that needs cannot be met and we are still busy trying to manage neglect. The old tools are mainly ineffective now. While the goal of keeping us functioning is still a very good one, it needs different actions to do so. Things like sleep, rest, a more relaxed approach to our attempts at life. Safety is no longer created by making us function the way others wanted us to and instead by embracing ourselves and doing things our way. That has been outside the realm of possibilities during TraumaTime and was probably never conceived as helpful but it is today and it is more effective in this new world than the old tools are.
The cost of doing things the old way
The use of force maintains the sense of not being safe within the system. Getting threatened results in stress responses that try to manage the sense of threat and that burns through a lot of energy. It adds symptoms that also need our time and attention to manage and we wouldn’t have them if we just got to feel safe with ourselves. The power dynamic also costs us the warm relationships we could have with other parts. It maintains a separation between the parts who try to control and those who are intimidated into obeying. This dynamic leaves no room for acceptance and connection. Controlling parts will be rejected, not because of who they really are but because of the pressure they put on others. It is a lonely life. We might even watch other parts having warm relationships and showing care but we feel the need to stay distant and manage them all to keep the system from chaos. It prevents us from getting help, too. Life is a lot harder when these hierarchies have to be in place. And it’s all for nothing because the old strategy isn’t needed anymore and it even undermines the original goal. This is a high price to pay for something that is ineffective and ultimately problematic for everyone.
A path forward
Maybe the time has come to think hard. Circumstances changed. How could we achieve our goal of stability, order and safety now? What would ensure long-term functioning today? Controlling parts are smart and know how to keep outside influences in mind. So, what about today? How can real and integrated functioning be improved when the inner experiences that make us human are embraced for a fuller sense of being alive?
In this new life, what would really result in negative attention and punishment? What keeps us out of a courtroom? Who would even be able to punish or force us at all?
What kind of planning or preparation would it need to reach our goals and be successful? Think hard and compare your ideas to what other people would say. If you don’t know, ask other parts about their experience today and what they would need to perform well. You actually don’t need me to tell you how to do better and to give you new rules to live by. If you think about it, it will make sense and that is far more important than my opinion.
There is a way to be protective, assertive, organized and clever today. Good advice is really helpful for hosts. There are ways to make life easier for them to ensure they will function well in today’s world. If we are smart we can adapt to the new changes and make sure that we stay safe now and keep going strong. In a world that doesn’t need a punisher anymore, the modern role is that of an advisor. That demands thorough knowledge about the way the world works now and how living with wholeness works. There is a lot to learn and to become really good at.