Sometimes parts are 100% certain of something and they are wrong. They are stuck in memories of a past that is not happening anymore or they stick to old rules that don’t apply anymore. Their undeniably real experiences formed convictions in them that persist even though life has changed. Sometimes re-experiencing creates a loop of old experiences that make it impossible to see the outside reality. Just explaining new rules or new realities won’t get through to them. Their beliefs are reinforced by the fear of more trauma and there is no reality outside of that experience. When we can’t guide parts towards re-orientation we might have to confuse them first.
When someone is absolutely sure of their experience being real it is not a good strategy to attack that experience by denying it. We wouldn’t respond to that well, either. It needs a strategy that helps them to doubt what is real to initiate re-orientation. The goal is for them to check things out for themselves and test their reality so they can experience for themselves that things have changed. Confusing them is what opens a window for this reality-check to happen. It introduces the option that maybe things are not the way they seem, that it is necessary to examine what is going on. Let’s look at some strategies to create confusion.
Agreement
Agree with a part who is used to judgement and defending their perspective. Yes, you are right. If things really happen the way you expect them to, your demands make perfect sense. Yes, I see how this is needed if the situation is really the way you are experiencing it right now. Your thoughts make perfect sense in that context. I am on your side. If this is true, we should do what you say. Unexpected agreement helps parts to be less defensive and feel supported. Then we add the question: But is it true? Is all that really happening right now? We need to check to make sure. That is just being thorough. And if the part is right we do as they say. They might be right and we lost that knowledge to amnesia or they might be wrong and life has changed at least to some degree and then we have to figure out a new strategy together. But we all need to check together to be sure. This can be used even if there is hostility between parts. They don’t have to trust us. They can rely on themselves when they check what is really going on.
Refusal to understand
Sometimes parts share about inner realities that sound strange because they are so far removed from the outside reality. It can be a helpful strategy to express our inability to follow them, when it is done with gentleness and kindness and not with a harsh sense of knowing it better. We try to follow their story while we are absolutely grounded in the outside reality and show them how distraught we are that their explanations don’t make sense to us. Could they please try to explain it differently because what we are seeing ourselves is xyz and we don’t know how that fits together. How would they explain how that fits together? We slowly add information about our grounded experience and ask with curiosity how that makes sense in the context of their experience. If possible, we share some of that grounded experience to offer them access to it. It gently introduces information that disrupts their reality and confuses their inner story. We just try to understand how it all makes sense and refuse to accept it as long as it does not make sense from a grounded perspective. Our level of patience and tangible care will have an impact on how willing parts will be to explain and revise their own story based on the information we give them. I would only use this if a part has already experienced me as caring and trustworthy.
Irritants
For parts who are stuck in an experience or inner reality it might be helpful to introduce input that does not make sense within their experience at all. If I am stuck in a memory room, waiting for something terrible to happen at any moment, where does the taste of cherry coke come from? If I am a literal child who depends on terrifying ‘caregivers’, how did I get these cool acrylic nails? It does not really need extreme or adversive sensory stimulation to introduce something into the closed world of a part that makes them realize that something is off. It just needs to be different and interesting to them. I have used recordings of handpan music before because they create unfamiliar sounds that draw curiosity to where they come from. Perceiving something through the senses that is mildly irritating but interesting and doesn’t fit the inner experience can be a key to opening up to more of the outside reality. Our senses are what connects us to the outside world. They are pathways we can use to initiate re-orientation.
Observe impossible things
When parts are convinced of old rules (and terrible consequences) or that certain things are simply impossible, we position ourselves so we can observe how people do these very things without repercussions. We will have to draw the attention of parts to the outside events and we might do it with playful shock about what we are witnessing. Look! Did you see that! They just did that! And nothing bad happens to them! Sometimes our Ts can play that role for us and behave in ways that were improper during TraumaTime, without a care in the world.
It needs real collaboration to try something ourselves to see that nothing bad happens. If we just scare parts out of their mind, they don’t re-orientate themselves. They go blind from fear and get triggered into re-experiencing. Testing consequences of behavior today always has to come with an explanation. There is nobody here who would punish us if we don’t do it ourselves. Please hold back on doing it yourself so we can see if anyone comes to do it instead. You will see that nobody is coming. If we don’t do it ourselves, nobody is after us and we don’t have to do it ourselves at all. I often think of The Tombs of Atuan, when the protagonist realizes that the dark gods are dead and others have been lighting candles in their temple of darkness without fear of repercussion. The rules are worth nothing. Nobody is checking and there are no gods. Everyone else has been disobeying these rules for a long time while possibly even making fun of those who still believe in them. It takes the confusion of observing this to get to a new realization and belief.
Not nice
Confusion doesn’t feel nice. It feels confusing. It creates a window of opportunity but it is a difficult time for parts who have to question their reality. We can offer safety through our relationship with them and by offering safe experiences today. Sometimes new input feels so exciting that the transition is made easier by that. But confusion itself can feel deeply uncomfortable, insecure and vulnerable. It is not a recommended tool in regular therapy for cPTSD to avoid destabilization. In DID we sometimes have to destabilize things that are stuck in the past to make any progress possible at all. We can learn to embrace confusion as an important state of mind that can open doors to real clarity. The goal is not to always make parts feel comfortable. They can be loved and respected while we are facing challenges together. It is necessary to disrupt their stuck experiences to get them to a better place long-term, even when the phase in between doesn’t feel nice.
Therapists who use confusion tactics with us can feel incredibly annoying. We don’t have to like them. We just have to follow their lead when they confuse us because we understand that there is something to learn that we haven’t grasped yet. It needs incredibly good intuition and experience to find the right dose and lever to apply confusion properly. Therapists who are unsure shouldn’t use it at all. It easily tips into defense and denial when it is too much.
What I do
In my own inner work I use confusion regularly and as a precise and strictly limited intervention. I only use it to destabilize parts who are stuck and unable to re-orient with other kinds of guidance. I only use it with a specific intention and I offer support for making sense of the world right away. Parts are never left alone with their confusion. They don’t have to figure it out alone but their will to find out is the driving force. This is a very useful and effective strategy but it is not an easy one. We as patients benefit from understanding how it works so we can attribute our experience to an unusual tool instead of a rupture in therapy. It is easy to create ruptures when confusion is used wrong. I find that it matters greatly if it is done with a sense of power over reality or with the wish to help lift confusion in the long run, and kindness towards confused parts. It needs a readiness to catch parts when they stumble instead of leaving them out there to find their way alone. In some rare cases confusion as a feeling is triggering because it is an often overlooked core emotion during trauma. This is one of the tricky tools that I would only use when other strategies failed and it needs to be applied with great care.
What I don’t do
[CN: describes a manipulation tactic described within organized abuse]
I don’t use hypno-therapeutic tricks to overload parts with information and confusion to place hypnotic suggestions (a therapy technique introduced by Erickson). There is a chance that this could be similar to abuser strategies. Survivors report that abusers sometimes create an immense sensory and/or mental overload with the goal of confusion to open a window of influence where they tell parts what to think, who they are supposed to be or what they have to do. Because the part is so confused they hold on to the bits of information that are offered for security. That is the opposite of what I am trying to achieve. I need parts to take action themselves, do their own reality check and learn and know for themselves. My goal is never to manipulate, only to initiate re-orientation so they can see and experience things for themselves. Even well-meaning hypnotic suggestions are misplaced here. When I aim for orientation and grounding I try to resolve trance states, not create them. It would violate the part’s autonomy. Their autonomy is sacred in their process of re-evaluating the world around them. I don’t bypass their conscious mind. They can take as much time as they need to. I don’t create pressure. They always only act because something caught their attention and makes them question their inner story. They decide what to do with it. Hypnotic confusion techniques are incredibly interesting but not for this purpose.